Even as a Christian, I’ve always struggled with the idea of feeling so worthy and loved that somebody would die for me. Combined that with ‘the person who died for me’ was the son of God who created the universe and I just think it’s so miraculous that I am not good enough for it.
Five years ago, I visited a place that I’d always wanted to go to; Port Isaac in Cornwall. Ever since I was younger I’d always loved the TV series ‘Doc Martin’ that was filmed there and was in awe of the beautiful scenery on the TV screen. My friend had invited me to a Christian festival in Cornwall called ‘Creationfest’ so I thought it would be fantastic to grow as a Christian while also checking out the wonders that Cornwall had to offer. Little did I know God was going to combine the two of those things in one very great way.
Creationfest was amazing! I got to meet other Christians who shared the same faith as me plus become fully immersed in worship, sermons and deep conversations. Yet like with anything in life, being around all these amazing people of God, I began to feel inadequate somehow. That their security and belief in God far surpassed mine.
The day I went to Port Isaac was a gorgeous sunny day and I climbed up a hill to the side of the seaside town (passed the Doc’s house) to find an amazing cliff edge with green grass, blue water and completely secluded from the toxic nature of human intervention. I sat down and I began to pray, marvelling at the fact that everything around me God had made. Then it hit me; the same God who had done that had also made me.
Suddenly, it through up so many mental challenges for me all at once; if God created me, was I exactly who I was meant to be? Was I imperfectly perfect? Did that mean I was worthy of being loved? Right in the midst of having this challenge, I feel God’s voice speak into my heart clearly:-
“Rachael, you either believe I am who I say I am,
that I sent my son to die on the cross for everybody’s sin,
that it’s him who makes people worthy, or you don’t.
There is no in between;, you can do nothing to earn this
Gift I have given you freely. You can only accept it and to pass it on to others,
because they too are worthy.”
I absolutely broke down in tears because for the very first time, I realised just how much Jesus had done for me on that cross. My unworthiness comes from knowing I am undeserving, but God says ‘I know you are undeserving, but I’m sending my son anyway, because that’s how much I love you. That’s how much I want you and that’s how far I will go to show you.”
In other words the only single thing we can do if we have faith in God is accept the wonderful gift of his grace. We don’t have to and we can’t earn it. How we feel about ourselves doesn’t change it. The simple truth is that its nothing to do with anything I’ve done, how adequate I am or how I feel, it’s the fact that God in his overwhelming love did everything he possibly could to bring us back to him, while still respecting our choice to reject him. That’s why God’s love defies all human understanding and why I will forever be in awe of it.
If anything about my testimony has made you want to know more about becoming a Christian or you just want to know more about what it means, click on the link below.